Not too long ago a thirty-year-old financial analyst was complaining to me over a period of months about her tedency to procrastinate(拖延) in her job. We had worked through her feelings about her employers(雇主) and how they related to feelings about authority(授权) in general, and to her parents specifically. We had examined her attitudes toward work and success and how these related to her marriage, her sexual identity, her desire to compete with her husband, and her fears of such competition(竞争). Yet despite all this standard and painstaking(刻苦地) psychoanalytic(心理分析地) work, she continued to procrastinate as much as ever. Finally, one day, we dared to look at the obvious. “Do you like cake?” I asked her. She replied that she did. “Which part of the cake do you like better,” I went on, “the cake or the frosting(糖霜)?” “Oh, the frosting!” she responded enthusiastically(热切地). “And how do you eat a piece of cake?” I inquired, feeling that I must be the most inane(无聊地) psychiatrist that ever lived. “I eat the frosting first, of couse,” she replied. From her cake-eating habits we went on to examine her work habits, and, as was to be expected, discovered that on any given day she would devote the first hour to the more gratifying half of her work and the remaining six hours getting around to the objectionable(讨厌地) remainder(剩余部分). I suggested that if she were to force herself to accomplish the unpleasant part of her job during the first hour, she would then be free to enjoy the other six. It seemed to me, I said, that one hour of pain followed by six hours of pleasure was preferable(更好地) to one hour of pleasure followed by six of pain. She agreed, and, being basically a person of strong will, she no longer procrastinates.
Delaying gratification is a process of scheduling the pain and pleasure of life in such a way as to enhance the pleasure by meeting and experiencing the pain first and getting it over with. It is the only decent(合宜的) way to live.
This tool or process of scheduling is learned by most children quite early in life, sometimes as early as age five. For instance, occasionally a five-year-old when playing a game with a companion(同伴) will suggest that the companion take first turn, so that the child might enjoy his or her turn later. At age six children may start eating their cake first and the frosting last. Throughout grammar school this early capacity(能力) to delay gratification is daily exercised, particularly through the performance(情况) of homework. By the age of twelve some children are already able to sit down on occasion without any parental prompting(督促) and complete their homework before they watch television. By the age of fifteen of sixteen such behavior is expected of the adolescent(青少年) and is considered normal.
It becomes clear to their educators at this age, however, that a substantial number of adolescents fall for short of this norm. While many have a well-developed capacity to delay gratification, some fifteen-or sixteen-year-olds seem to have hardly developed this capacity at all; indeed, some seem even to lack the capacity entirely. These are the problem students. Despite average or better intelligence, their grades are poor simply because they do not work. They skip classes or skip school entirely on the whim(心血来潮) of the moment. They are impulsive(冲动地), and their impulsiveness spills(溅出) over into their social life as well. They get into frequent fights, they become involved with drugs, they begin to get in trouble with the police. Play now, pay later, is their motto(座右铭). So the psychologists(心理学家) and psychotherapists(心理治疗师) are called in. But most of the time it seems too late. These adolescents are resentful(憎恨地) of any attempt to intervene(干涉) in their life style of impulsiveness(冲动), and even when this resentment(憎恨) can be overcome(客服) by warmth and friendliness and nonjudgmental(无偏见地) attitude on the part of the therapist(心理治疗师), their impulsivness is often so severe that it precludes(妨碍) their participation in the process of psychotherapy in any meaningful way. They miss their appointments. They avoid all important and painful issues. So usually the attempt at intervention(干预) fails, and these children drop out of school, only to continue a pattern of failure that frequently lands them in disastrous(灾难性地) marriages, in accidents, in psychiatric hospitals or in jail.
Why is this? Why do a majority(大多数) develop a capacity(能力) to dalay gratification while a substantial(大量地) minority(少数派) fail, often irretrievably(无可救药地), to develop this capacity. The answer is not absolutely, scientifically known. The role of genetic(遗传学地) factors is unclear. The variables cannot be sufficiently controlled for scientific proof. But most of the signs rather clearly point to the quality of parenting(养育子女) as the determinant.