When a psychiatrist makes the diagnosis of a character disorder, it is because the pattern of avoidance(避免) of responsibility is relatively gross(明显的) in the diagnosed individual. Yet almost all of us from time to time(不时地) seek to avoid-in ways that can be quite subtle-the pain of assuming responsibility for our own problems. For the cure(治疗) of my own subtle character disorder at the age of thirty I am indebted(感激地) to Mac Badgely. At the time Mac was the director of the outpatient psychatric clinic where I was completing my psychiatry residency(住院医生实习期) training. In this clinic my fellow(同伴地) residents(住院医生) and I were assigned new patients on rotation(轮流). Perhaps because I was more dedicated to my patients and my own education than most of my fellow resident, I found myself working much longer hours than they. They ordinarily saw patients only once a week. I often saw my patients two or three times a week. As a result I would watch my fellow residents leaving the clinic at four-thirty each afternoon for their homes, while I was scheduled with appointments up to eight or night o’clock at night, and my heart was filled with resentments. As I became more and more resentful and more and more exhausted I realized that something had to be done. So I went to Dr. Badgely and explained the situation to him. I wondered(想知道) whether I might be exempted(被免除地) from the rotation(轮流) of accepting new patients for a few weeks so that I might have time to catch up. Did he think that was feasible(可行地)? Or could he think of some other solution to the problem? Mac listened to me very intently(专心地) and receptively(容纳地), not interrupting once. When I was finished after a moment’s silence, he said to me very sympathetically(同情地), “Well, I can see that you do have a problem.”
I beamed(面露喜色), feeling understood. “Thank you,” I said. “What do you think should be done about it?”
To this Mac replied, “I told you, Scott, you do have a problem.”
This was hardly the response I expected. “Yes,” I said, slightly annoyed(生气的), “I know I have a problem. That’s why I came to see you. What do you think I ought to do about it?”
Mac responded: “Scott, apparently(显然地) you haven’t listened to what I said. I have heard you, and I am agreeing with you. You do have a problem.”
“Goddammit(该死的),” I said, “I know I have a problem. I knew that when I came in here. The questions is, what am I going to do about it?”
“Scott,” Mac replied, “I want you to listen. Listen closely and I will say it again. I agree with you. You do have a problem. Specifically, you have a problem with time. Your time. Not my time. It’s not my problem. It’s your problem with your time. You, Scott Peck, have a problem with your time. That’s all I’m going to say about it.”
I turned and strode(大步走) out of Mac’s office, furious(狂怒的). And I stayed furious. I hated Mac Badgely. For three months I hated him. I felt that he had a severe character disorder. How else could be so callous(冷漠的)? Here I had gone to him humbly(谦虚地) asking for just a little bit of help, a little bit of advice, and the bastard wasn’ even willing to assume enough responsibility even to try to help me, even to do his job as director of the clinic. If he wasn’t supposed(应当的) to help manage such problems as director of the clinic, what the hell was he supposed to do?
But after three months I somehow(不知怎地) came to see that Mac was right, that it was I, not he, who had the character disorder. My time was my responsibility. It was up to me and me alone to decide how I wanted to use and order my time. If I wanted to invest(投入) my time more heavily(大量地) than my fellow residents in my work, then that was my choice, and the consequences(后果) of that choice were my responsibility. It might be painful for me to watch my fellow residents leave their offices two or three hours before me, and it might be painful to listen to my wife’s complaints that I was not devoting myself sufficiently to the family, but these pains were the consequence of a choice that I had made. If I did not want to suffer(遭受) them, then I was free to choose not to work so hard and to structure(计划) my time differently. My working hard was not a burden cast(投射) upon me by hardhearted(硬心肠地) fate or a hardhearted clinic director; it was the way I had chosen to live my life and order my priorities(优先级). As it happened, I chose not to change my life style(生活方式). But with my change in attitude, my resentment of my fellow residents vanished. It simply(只是) no longer made any sense to resent them for having chosen a life style different from mine when I was completely free to choose to be like them if I wanted to. To resent them was to resent my own choice to be different from them, a choice that I was happy with.
The difficulty we have in accepting responsibility for our behavior lies in the desire to avoid the pain of the consequence of that behavior. By requesting Mac Badgely to assume responsibility for the structure of my time I was attempting to avoid the pain of working long hours, even though(即使) working long hours was an inevitable consequence of my choice to be dedicated to my patients and my training. Yet(甚至) in so doing I was also unwittingly(不知不觉地) seeking to increase Mac’s authority(权利) over me. I was giving him my power, my freedom. I was saying in effect(事实上), “Take charge of me. You be the boss!” Whenever we seek to avoid the responsibility for our own behavior, we do so by attempting to give that responsibility to some other individual or organization or entity, be it “fate” or “society” or the government or the corporation or our boss. It is for this reason that Erich Fromm so aptly(恰当地) titled his study of Nazism(纳粹主义) and authoritarianism(独裁主义) Escape from Freedom. In attempting to avoid the pain of responsibility, millions and even billions daily attempt to escape from freedom.
I have a brilliant(聪明地) but morose(郁闷地) acquaintance(泛泛之交) who, when I allow him to, will speak unceasingly(不断地) and eloquently(善辩地) of the oppressive(压迫的) force in our society: racism, sexism, the military-industrial establishment, and the country police who pick on him and his friends because of their long hair. Again and again I have tried to point out to him that he is not a child. As children, by virture of our real and extensive(巨大的) dependency, our parents have real and extensive power over us. They are, in fact, largely at their mercy(任由他们摆布). When parents are oppressive(难以忍受的), as so often they are, we as children are largely(很大程度上地) powerless to do anything about it; our choices are limited. But as adults, when we are physically healthy, our choices are almost unlimited.
That does not mean they are not painful. Frequently our choices lie between the lesser of two evils(两害相权取其轻), but it is still within our power to make these choices. Yes, I agree with my acquaintance, there are indeed oppressive forces at work(在起作用) within the world. We have, however, the freedom to choose every step of the way the manner in which we are going to respond to and deal with these forces. It is his choice to live in an area of the country where the police don’t like “long-haired types” and still grow his hair long. He has the freedom to move to the city, or to cut his hair, or even to wage(发动) a campaign(运动) for the office of police commissioner(警察局长). But despite(尽管) his brilliance, he does not acknowledge these freedoms. He chooses to lament(哀叹) his lack of political power instead of accepting and exulting(公开呼吁) in his immense(巨大的) personal power. He speaks of his love of freedom and of the oppressive forces that thwart(阻挠) it, but every time he speaks of how he is victimized(迫害) by these forces he actually is giving away his freedom. I hope that someday soon he will stop resenting life simply because some of its choices are painful.
One of the roots of this “sense of impotence(无力感)” in the majority of patients is some desire to partially or totally escape the pain of freedom, and, therefore, some failure, partial or total, to accept responsibility for their problems and their lives. They feel impotent(无力的) because they have, in fact, given their power away. Sooner or later(迟早), if they are to be healed, they must learn that the entirety(全部) of one’s adult life is a series of personal choices, decisions. If they can accept this totally, then they become free people. To the extent(在某种程度上) that they do not accept this they will forever feel themselves victims.