Most people who come to see a psychiatrist are suffering from what is called either a neurosis(神经官能症) or a character disorder(人格失调症). Put most simply, these two conditions(疾病) are disorders(失序) of responsibility, and as such(就其本身而言) they are opposite styles of relating to the world and its problems. The neurotic(神经病患者) assumes(承担) too much responsibility; the person with a character disorder, not enough. When neurotics are in conflict with the world they automatically assume(假设) that they are at fault. The two individuals just described had character disorders: the sergenant felt his drinking was Okinawa’s fault, not his, and the wife also saw herself as playing no role whatsoever(丝毫地) in her own isolation(孤独). A neurotic woman, on the other hand, also suffering from loneliness and isolation on Okinawa, complained: “I drive over to the Non-Commissioned(无委任地) Officers’ Wives Club every day to look for friendship, but I don’t feel at ease(自在的) there. I think that the other wives don’t like me. Something must be wrong with me. I should be able to make friends more easily. I ought to be more outgoing(外向的). I want to find out what it is about me that makes me so unpopular(不受欢迎的).” This woman assumed(承担) total responsibility for her loneliness, feeling she was entirely to blame(她完全是罪魁祸首). What she found out in the course of therapy was that she was an unusually(特别地) intelligent and ambitious(有野心的) person and that she was ill at ease(不自在的) with the other sergeants’ wives, as well as with her husband, because she was considerably(相当地) more intelligent and ambitious than they. She became able to see that her loneliness while her problem, was not necessarily due to(由于) a fault or defect of her own. Ultimately she was divorced(离婚的), put herself through college(让自己读完大学) while raising her children, became a magazine editor, and married a successful publisher.
Even the speach patterns of neurotics and those with character disorders are different. The speech of the neurotic is notable(值得注意的) for such expressions as “I ought to,” “I should,” and “I shouldn’t,” indicating(表明) the individual’s self-image as an inferior(自卑的) man or woman, always falling short of the mark(达不到目标), always making the wrong choices. The speech of a person with a character disorder, however, relies heavily on “I can’t,” “I couldn’t,” “I have to,” and “I had to,” demonstrating(演示) a self-image of a being who has no power of choice, whose behavior is completely directed by external forces totally beyond his or her control. As might be imagined, neurotics, compared with character-disordered people, are easy to work with in psychotherapy because they assume responsibility for their difficulties and therefore see themselves as having problems. Those with character disorders are much more difficult, if not impossible, to work with because they don’t see themselves as the source of their problems; they see the world rather than themselves as being in need of change and therefore fail to recognize the necessity for self-examination(自省). In actuality, many individuals have both a neurosis and a character disorder and are referred(归类) to as “character neurotics,” indicating that in some areas of their lives they are guilt-ridden(有负罪感的) by virtue of having assumed responsibility that is not really theirs, while in other areas of their lives they fail to take realistic responsibility for themselves. Fortunately, once having established the faith and trust of such individuals in the psychotherapy process through helping them with the neurotic part of their personalities(人格), it is often possible then to engage(使…参与到) them in examining(检查) and correcting(改正) their unwillingness(不愿意) to assume responsibility where appropriate.
Few of us can escape being neurotics or character disordered to at least some degree(which is why essentially everyone can benefit from psychotherapy if he or she is seriously(认真地) willing to participate in the process). The reason for this is that the problem of distinguishing what we are and what we are not responsible for in this life is one of the greatest problems of human existence. It is never completely solved; for the entirety(全部) of our lives we must continually assess(评估) and reassess(再评估) where our responsibilities lie in the ever-changing(不断变化地) course of events. Nor is this assessment and reassessment painless if performed adequately(充分地) and conscientiously(良心上地). To perform either(每个地) process adequately we must possess(拥有) the willingness and the capacity to suffer continual slef-examination(自省). And such capacity or willingness is not inherent in any of us. In a sense(从某种意义上说) all children have character disorders, in that their instinctual(本能的) tendency(趋势) is to deny their responsibility for many conflicts in which they find themselves. Thus two siblings fighting will always blame each other for initiating the fight and each will totally deny that he or she may have been the culprit(问题的起因). Similarly, all children have neuroses, in that they will instinctually assume responsibility for certain deprivations(剥夺) that they experience but do not yet understand. Thus the child who is not loved by his parents will always assume(假设) himself or herself to be unlovable(不惹人喜爱的) rather than see the parents as deficient(有缺陷的) in their capacity to love. Or early adolescents who are not yet successful at dating or at sports will see themselves as seriously(严重地) deficient human beings rather than the late or even average but perfectly(完美地) adequate(足够地) bloomers they usually are. It is only through a vast(巨大地) amount of experience and a lengthy(漫长地) and successful maturation(成熟) that we gain the capacity to see the world and our place in it realistically(实际地), and thus are enabled to realistically assess(评估) our responsibility for ourselves and the world.
There is much that parents can do to assist their children in this maturation process. Opportunities present themselves thousands of times(机会无数次出现) while children are growing up when parents can either confront them with their tendency to avoid or escape responsibility for their own actions or can reassure(安抚) them that certain situations are not their fault. But to seize(抓住) these opportunities, as I have said, requires of parents sensitivity to their children’s needs and the willingness to take the time and make the often uncomfortable effort to meet these needs. And this in turn requires love and the willingness to assume appropriate responsibility for the enhancement of their children’s growth.
Conversely(相反地), even above and beyond simple insensitivity(不灵敏) or neglect(忽视), there is much that many parents do to hinder(妨碍) this maturation process. Neurotics, because of their willingness to assume responsibility, may be quite excellent parents if their neuroses are relatively(相当地) mild(不严重地) and they are not so overwhelmed(不堪重负) by unnecessary responsibilities that they have scant(不足的，差一点点的) energy left for the necessary responsibilities of parenthood(为人父母). Character-disordered people, however, make disastrous parents, blissfully(充满喜悦地) unaware(不知道地) that they often treat their children with vicious(剧烈的) destructiveness(破坏性). It is said that “neurotics make themselves miserable(悲惨的); those with character disorders make everyone else miserable.” Chief among the people(主要的人) character disordered parents make miserable are their children. As in other areas of their lives, they fail to assume adequate(足够的) responsibility for their parenting. They tend to brush off their children in thousands of little ways rather than provide them with needed attention. When their children are delinquent(有过失的) or are having difficulty in school, character-disordered parents will automatically lay the blame on(把责任归咎于) the school system or on other child who, they insist(坚称), are a “bad influence” on their own children. This attitude, of couse, ignores the problem. Because they duck(逃避) responsibility, character-disordered parents serve as role models(为人师表) of irresponsibility(无责任感) for their children. Finally, in their efforts to avoid responsibility for their own lives, character-disordered parents will often lay this responsibility upon their children: “You kids are driving me nuts(发疯的),” or “The only reason I stay married to your father [mother] is because of you kids,” or “Your mother’s a nervous wreck(神经过敏者) because of you, “ or “I could have gone to college and been a success if it weren’t for having to support you.” In such ways these parents in effect(实际上) say to their children, “You are responsible for the quality of my marriage, my mental health and my lack of success in life.” Since they lack the capacity to see how inappropriate this is, the children will often accept this responsibility, and insofar(在这个范围) as they do accept it, they will become neurotic. It is in such ways that character-disordered parents almost invariably(一贯地) produce character-disordered or neurotic children. It is the parents themselves who visit their sins upon their children.
It is not simply(仅仅) in their role as parents that character-disordered individuals are ineffective(不能胜任的) and destructive(破坏性的); these same character traits(人格特征) usually extend to their marriages, their friendships and their business dealings-to any area of their existene in which they fail to assume responsibility for its quality. This is inevitable since, as has been said, no problem can be solved until an individual assume the responsibility for solving it. When character-disordered individuals blame someone else-a spouse, a child, a friend, a parent, an employer-or something else-bad influences, the schools, the government, racism(种族主义), sexism(性别歧视), society, the “system”-for their problems, these problems persist(继续存在). Nothing has been accomplished. By casting(投射) away their responsibility they may feel comfortable with themselves, but they have ceased(停止) to solve the problems of living, have ceased to grow spiritually, and have become dead weight(累赘) for society. They have cast(投射) their pain onto society. The saying of the sixties(attributed(归功于) to Eldridge Cleaver) speaks to all of us for all time: “If you are not part of the solution, then you are part of the problem.”