Having touched upon some of the ways in which parental love or its lack may influence the development of self-discipline in general, and the capacity to delay gratification in particular, let us examine some of the more subtle(隐隐约约的) yet quite devastating(毁灭性的) ways in which difficulties in delaying gratification affect(影响) the lives of most adults. For while most of us, fortunately, develop sufficient capacity to delay gratification to make it through high school or college and embark(上船,开始) upon adulthood without landing in jail, our development nonetheless(尽管如此) tends to(趋于) be imperfect(有缺点的) and incomplete(不完整的), with the result that our ability to solve life’s problems is still imperfect and incomplete.
At the age of thirty-seven I learned how to fix things. Prior(之前) to that time almost all my attempts to make minor plumbing(装水管) repairs, mend(缝补) toys or assemble boxed furniture according to the accompanying hieroglyphical(象形文字的) instruction sheet ended in confusion, failure and frustration. Despite having managed to make it through medical school and support a family as a more or less successful executive(经理) and psychiatrist, I considered myself to be a mechanical idiot. I was convinced(坚信的) I was deficient(有缺陷的) in some gene(基因), or by curse of nature lacking some mystical quality responsible for mechanical ability. Then one day at the end of my thirty-seventh year, while taking a spring Sunday walk, I happened upon a neighbor in the process of repairing a lawn mower(割草机). After greeting him I remarked, “Boy, I sure admire you. I’ve never been able to fix those kind of things or do anything like that.” My neighbor, without a moment’s hesitation, shot back, “That’s because you don’t take the time.” I resumed my walk, somehow(不知为什么地) disquieted(不安的) by the guru-like simplicity(简单性), spontaneity(自发性) and definitiveness(确定性) of his response. “You don’t suppose(认为) he could be right, do you?” I asked myself. Somehow(不知什么原因) it registered, and the next time the opportunity presented itself to make a minor repair I was able to remind myself to take my time. The parking brake was stuck on a patient’s car, and she knew that there was something one could do under the dashboard to release it, but she didn’t know what. I lay down on the floor below the front seat of her car. Then I took the time to make myself comfortable. Once I was comfortable, I then took the time to look at the situation. I looked for several minutes. At first all I saw was a confusing jumble(混乱) of wires(电线) and tubes(管子) and rods(杆), whose meaning I did not know. But gradually, in no hurry, I was able to focus my sight on the brake apparatus(设备) and trace its course. And then it became clear to me that there was a little latch(锁) preventing(防止) the brake from being released. I slowly studied this latch until it became clear to me that if I were to push it upward with the tip of my finger it would move easily and would release the brake. And so I did this. One single motion(运动), one ounce(盎司) of pressure from a fingertip, and the problem was solved. I was a master mechanic!
Actually, I don’t begin to have the knowledge or the time to gain that knowledge to be able to fix most mechanical failures, given the fact that I choose to concentrate my time on nonmechanical matters. So I still usually go running to the nearest repairman. But I now know that this is a choice I make, and I am not cursed(被诅咒地) or genetically(基因地) defective(有缺陷的) or otherwise incapacitated(丧失能力的) or impotent(虚弱的). And I know that I and anyone else who is not mentally defective can solve any problem if we are willing to take the time.
The issue is important, because many people simply do not take the time necessary to solve many of life’s intellectual(需智力的), social or spiritual problems, just as I did not take the time to solve mechanical problems. Before my mechanical enlightenment(启迪) I would have awkwardly stuck my head under the dashboard of my patient’s car, immediately yanked(猛的一拉) at a few wires without haveing the foggiest(有误的，形容idea，压根儿不知道) idea of what I was doing, and then, when nothing constructive resulted, would have thrown up my hands and proclaimed “It’s beyond me.” And this is precisely(正是) the way that so many of us approach(对付) other dilemmas(困境) of day-to-day living. The aforementioned(上述地) financial analyst was a basically loving and dedicated but rather helpless mother to her two young children. She was alert(警惕的) and concerned(关心的) enough to perceive when her children were having some sort of emotional problem or when something was not working out in her child-raising. But then she inevitably took one of two courses of action with the children: either she make the very first change that came to her mind within a matter of seconds-making them eat more breakfast or sending them to bed earlier-regardless of whether such a change had anything to do with the problem, or else she came to her next therapy session with me(the repairman), despairing(感到绝望的): “it’s beyond me. What shall I do?” This woman had a perfectly keen(敏锐地) and analytical(善于分析地) mind, and when she didn’t procrastinate, she was quite capable of solving complex problems at work. Yet when confronted with a personal problem, she behaved as if she were totally lacking in intelligence. The issue was one of time. Once she became aware of a personal problem, she felt so discomfited(窘迫的) that she demanded an immediate solution, and she was not willing to tolerate(忍受) her discomfort(不适) long enough to analyze the problem. The solution to the problem represented(代表) gratification to her, but she was unable to delay this gratification for more than a minute or two, with the result that her solutions were usually inappropriate and her family in chronic(长期的) turmoil(混乱). Fortunately, through her own perseverance(毅力) in therapy she was gradually able to learn how to discipline herself to take the time necessary to analyze family problems so as to develop well-thought-out(深思熟虑出来的) and effective(有效的) solutions. We are not talking here about esoteric(秘传的) defects(缺陷) in problem-solving associated only with people who clearly manifest(表明) psychiatric(精神疾病的) disturbances(困惑). The financial analyst is everyman. Who among us can say that they unfailingly(无穷尽地) devote sufficient(足够的) time to analyze their children’s problems or tensions(紧张) within the family? Who among us is so self-disciplined that he or she never say resignedly(服从地) in the face of family problems, “It’s beyond me?”
Actually, there is a defect(缺陷) in the approach(方法) to problem-solving more primitive and more destructive than impatiently(无耐性地) inadequate(不足地) attempts to find instant solutions, a defect even more ubiquitous(无所不在的) and universal(普遍的). It is the hope that problems will go away of their own accord(条约). A thirty-year-old single salesman in group therapy in a small town began to date the recently separeated wife of another group member, a banker. The salesman knew the banker to be a chronically angry man who was deply resentful(憎恨的) of his wife’s leaving him. He knew that he was not being honest either with the group or with the banker by not confiding(吐露) his relationship with the banker’s wife. He also knew that it was almost inevitable that sooner or later the banker would learn about the continuing(持续的) relationship. He knew that the only solution to the problem would be to confess(供认) the relationship to the group and bear the banker’s anger with the group’s support. But he did nothing. After three months the banker found out about the friendship, was predictably enraged(暴怒), and used the incident(冲突) to quit his therapy. When confronted by the group with his destructive behavior the salesman said: “I knew that talking aobut it would be a hassle(困难), and I guess I felt that if I did nothing, maybe I could get away with it without the hassle. I guess I thought that if I waited long enough the problem might go away. Problems do not go away. They must be worked through or else they remain, forever a barrier(障碍) to the growth and development of the spirit.
The group made the salesman aware in no uncertain terms(直截了当地) that his tendency to avoid problem-solving by ignoring a problem in the hope that it would go away was in itself(本质上) his major problem. Four months later, in the early autumn, the salesman fulfilled(实现) a fantasy(幻想) by rather suddenly quitting his sales job and starting his own furniture-repair business, which would not require him to travel. The group deplored(强烈反对) the fact that he was putting all his eggs in one basket and also questioned the wisdom of making the move with winter coming on, but the salesman assured(使确信) them he would make enough to get by in his new business. The subject was dropped. Then in early February he announced that he would have to quit the group because he could no longer pay the fee. He was dead broke(身无分文的) and would have to start looking for another job. In five months he had repaired a total of eight pieces of furniture. When asked why he hadn’t stared looking for another job sooner, he replied: “I knew six weeks ago that I was running through(挥霍) my money fast, but somehow(不知为什么) I couldn’t believe that it would come to this point. The whole thing just didn’t seem very urgent, but, boy, it’s urgent now.” He had, of course, ignored his problem. Slowly it began to dawn(变得明朗) on him that until he solved his problem of ignoring problems he would never get beyond step one-even with all the psychotherapy in the world.
This inclination(倾向) to ignore problems is once again a simple manifestation(表现) of an unwillingness to delay gratification. Confronting problems is, as I have said, painful. To willingly confront a problem early, before we are forced to confront it by circumstances, means to put aside something pleasant or less painful for something more painful. It is choosing to suffer now in the hope of future gratification rather than choosing to continue present gratification in the hope that future suffering will not be necessary. It may seem that the salesman who ignored such obvious problems was emotionally immature(不成熟的) or psychologically primitive(原始的), but, again, I tell you he is everyman and his immaturity and primitiveness(原始性) exist in us all. A great general, commander of an army, once told me, “The single greatest problem in this army, or I guess in any organization, is that most executives will sit looking at problems in their units, staring them right in the face, doing nothing, as if these problems will go away if they sit there long enouth.” The general wasn’t talking about the mentally weak or abnormal. He was talking about other generals and senior colonels(上校), mature men of proven capability and trained in discipline.
Parents are executives, and despite the fact that they are usually ill-prepared(准备不足的) for it, their task can be every bit as complex as directing a company or corporation. And like the army executives, most parents will perceive problems in their children or in their relationship with their children for months or years before they take any effective action, if they ever do. “We thought maybe he would grow out of it,” the parents say as they come to the child psychiatrist with a problem of five years’ duration. And with respect for the complexity of parenting, it must be said(应该说) that prental decisions are difficult, and that children often do “grow out of it.” But it almost never hurts to try to help them grow out of it or to look more closely at the problem. And while children often “grow out of it,” often they do not; and as with so many problems, the longer children’s problems are ignored, the larger they become and the more painful and difficult to solve.