It is not that the homes of these unself-disciplined children are lacking in parental discipline(惩罚) of a sort. More often than not these children are punished frequently and severely throughtout their childhood-slapped, punched, kicked, beaten and whipped by their parents for even minor infractions(犯规). But this descipline is meaningless. Because it is undisciplined(无纪律的) descipline(纪律). One reason that it is meaningless, is that the parents themselves are unself-disciplined, and therefore serve(提供) as undisciplined role modes(行为榜样) for their children. They are the “Do as I say, not as I do” parents. They may frequently get drunk in front of their children. They may fight with each other in front of the children without restraint(克制), dignity(尊严) or rationality(理性). They may be slovenly(懒散的). They make promises they don’t keep. Their own lives are frequently and obviously in disorder(无序的) and disarray(混乱的), and their attempts to order the lives of their children seem therefore to make little sense to these children. If father beats up mother regularly, what sense does it make to a boy when his mother beats him up because he beat up his sister? Does it make sense when he’s told that he must learn to control his temper? Since we do not have the benefit of comparison when we are young, our parents are godlike figures to our childish eyes. When parents do things a certain way, it seems to the young child the way to do them, the way they should be done. If a child sees his parents day in and day out behaving with self-discipline, restraint, dignity and a capacity to order their own lives, then the child will come to feel in the deepest fibers(纤维) of his being that this is the way to live. If a child sees his parents day in and day out living without self-restraint(自制) or self-descipline(自律), then he will come in the deepest fibers of being to believe that that is the way to live.
Yet even more important than role modeling is love. For even in chaotic(混乱的) and disordered homes genuine love is occasionally present, and from such homes may come self-disciplined children. And not infrequently(很少发生的) parents who are professional people-doctors, lawyers, club women and philanthropists(慈善家)-who lead lives of strict orderliness(整洁) and decorum(礼仪) but yet lack love, send children into the world who are as undisciplined and destructive(破坏性的) and disorganized(混乱的) as any child from an impoverished(贫困的) and chaotic(混乱的) home.
Ultimately love is everything. The mystery of love will be examined in later portions of this work. Yet, for the sake of coherency(一致性), it may be helpful to make a brief but limited mention of it and its relationship to descipline at this point.
When we love something it is of value to us, and when something is of value to us we spend time with it, time enjoying it and time taking care of it. Observe a teenager. In love with his car and note the time he will spend admiring(欣赏) it, polishing it, repairing it, tuning(定制) it. Or an older person with a beloved(心爱的) rose garden, and time spent pruning(修剪) and mulching(地膜) and fertilizing(施肥) and studying it. So it is when we love children; we spend time admiring them and caring for them. We give them our time.
Good discipline requires time. When we have no time to give our children, or no time that we are willing to give, we don’t even observe them closely enough to become aware of when their need for our disciplinary assistance is expressed subtly. If their need for discipline is so gross(极端的) as to impinge(侵占) upon our consciousness, we may still ignore the need on the grounds(由于……的原因) that it’s easier to let them have their own way-“I just don’t have the energy to deal with them today.” Or, finally, if we are impelled(推进) into action by their misdeeds(罪行) and our irritation(恼怒), we will impose(强制施行) discipline, often brutally(野蛮地), out of anger rather than deliberation(思考)，without examining the problem or even taking the time to consider which form of discipline is the most appropriate to that particular problem.
The parents who devote time to their children even when it is not demanded by glaring(耀眼地) misdeeds(罪行) will perceive in them subtle needs for discipline, to which they will respond with gentle urging(催促) or reprimand(训斥) or structure(周密安排) or praise, administered(执行) with thoughtfulness(体贴) and care(关心). They will observe how their children eat cake, how they study, when they tell subtle falsehoods(谎言), when they run away from problems rather than face them. They will take the time to make these minor corrections(更正) and adjustments(调整), listening to their children, responding to them, tightening a little here, loosening a little there, giving them little lectures(演讲), little stories, little hugs and kisses, little admonishments(训诫), little pats on the back.
So it is that the quality of discipline afforded by loving parents is superior(更好的) to the discipline of unloving parents. But this is just the beginning. In taking the time to observe and to think about their children’s needs, loving parents will frequently agonize(感到痛苦) over the decisions to be made, and will, in a very real sense, suffer along with their children. The children are not blind to this. They perceive it when their parents are willing to suffer with them, and although they may not respond with immediate gratitude(感激), they will learn also to suffer. “If my parents are willing to suffer with me,” they will tell themselves, “then suffering must not be so bad, and I should be willing to suffer with myself.” This is the beginning of self-discipline.
The time and the quality of the time that their parents devote to them indicate(表明) to children the degree to which they are valued by their parents. Some basically unloving parents, in an attempt to cover up their lack of caring, make frequent professions of love to their children, repetitively(重复地) and mechanically(机械地) telling them how much they are valued, but not devoting significant(重要的) time of high quality to them. Their children are never totally deceived(欺骗) by such hollow(空洞的) words. Consciously(有意识地) they may cling(抓住) to them, wanting to believe that they are loved, but unconsciously(无意识地) they know that their parents’ words don’t match up with their deeds(行为).
On the other hand, children who are truly loved, although in moments of pique(恼怒) they may consicously feel or proclaim(声称) that they are being neglected, unconsciously know themselves to be valued. This knowledge is worth more than any gold. For when children know that they are valued, when they truely feel valued in the deepest parts of themselves, then they feel valuable.
The feeling of being valuable-“I am a valuable person”-is essential(必不可少的) to mental health and is a cornerstone(基石) of self-discipline. It is a direct product of parental love. Such a conviction(坚定的信仰) must be gained in childhood; it is extremely difficult to acquire(获得) it during adulthood. Conversely(相反地), when children have learned through the love of their parents to feel valuable, it is almost impossible for the vicissitudes(变迁) of adulthood to destroy their spirit.
This feeling of being valuable is a cornerstone of self-discipline because when one considers oneself valuable one will take care of oneself in all ways that are necessary. Self-discipline is self-caring. For instance-since we are discussing the process of delaying gratification, of scheduling and ordering time-let us examine the matter of time. If we feel ourselves valuable, then we will feel our time to be valuable, and if we feel our time to be valuable, then we will want to use it well, The financial analyst who procrastinated did not value her time. If she had, she would not have allowed herself to spend most of her day so unhappily and unproductively(无成效地). It was not without consequence(后果) for her that throughout her childhood she was “fanned out” during all school vacation to live with paid foster(寄养地) parents although her parents could have taken care of her perfectly well had they wanted to. They did not value her. They did not want to care for her. So she grew up feeling herself to be of little value, not worth caring for; therefore she did not care for herself. She did not feel she was worth disciplining herself. Despite the fact that she was an intelligent and competent(能干的) woman she required the most elementary instruction in self-descipline because she lacked a realistic assessment(评价) of her own worth and the value of her own time. Once she was able to perceive her time as being valuable, it naturally followed that she wanted to organize it and protect it and make maximum use of it.
As a result of the experience of consistent(一贯地) parental love and caring throughout childhood, such fortunate children will enter adulthood not only with deep internal sense of their own value but also with a deep internal sense of security. All children are terrified of abandonment(遗弃), and with good reason. This fear of abandonment begins around the age of six months, as soon as the child is able to perceive itself to be an individual, separate from its parents. For with this perception of itself as an individual comes the realization that as an individual it is quite helpless, totally dependent and totally at the mercy of its parents for all forms of sustenance(食物) and means of survival. To the child, abandonment by its parents is the equivalent of death. Most parents, even when they are otherwise relatively ignorant(无知的) or callous(冷漠的), are instinctively(本能的) sensitive(意识到的) to their children’s fear of abandonment and will therefore day in and day out, hundreds and thousands of times, offer; their children needed reassurance(安慰): “ You know Mommy and Daddy aren’t goting to leave you behind”; “Of course Mommy and Daddy will come back to get you”; “Mommy and Daddy aren’t going to forget about you.” If these words are matched by deeds, month in and month out, year in and year out, by the time of adolescence(青春期) the child will have lost the fear of abandonment and in its stead will have a deep inner feeling that the world is a safe place in which to be and protection will be there when it is needed. With this internal sense of the consistent(一贯的) safety of the world, such a child is free to delay gratification of one kind or another, secure in the knowledge that the opportunity for gratification, like home and parents, is always there, available when needed.
But many are not so fortunate. A substantial number of children actually are abandoned by their parents during childhood, by death, by desertion(遗弃), by sheer(完全地) negligence(疏忽), or, as in the case of the financial analyst, by a simple lack of caring. Others, while not abandoned in fact, fail to receive from their parents the reassurance that they will not be abandoned. There are some parents, for instance, with their desire to enforce discipline as easily and quickly as possible, will actually use the threat of abandonment, overtly(公开地) or subtly(隐隐约约的), to achieve this end. The message they give to their children is: “If you don’t do exactly what I want you to do I won’t love you anymore, and you can figure out for yourself what that might mean.” It means, of course, abandonment and death. These parents sacrifice(献祭) love in their need for control and domination over their children, and their reward is children who are excessively(极度地) fearful of the future. So it is that these children, abandoned either psychologically(心理上地) or in actuality, enter adulthood lacking any deep sense that the world is a safe and protective place. To the contrary, they perceive the world as dangerous and frightening, and they are not about to forsake(放弃) any gratification or security in the present for the promise of greater gratification or security in the future, since for them the future seems dubious(靠不住的) indeed.
In summary, for children to develop the capacity to delay gratification, it is necessary for them to have self-disciplined role models, a sense of self-worth(自尊), and a degree of trust in the safety of their existance. These “possessions” are ideally acquired(获得) through the self-discipline and consistant(一贯地), genuine(真心的) caring of their parents; they are the most precious gifts of themselves that mothers and fathers can bequeath(遗赠). When these gifts have not been proffered(提供) by one’s parents, it is possible to acquire(获得) them from other sources, but in that case the process of their acquisition(学得) is invariably(一贯地) an uphill(艰苦的) struggle(斗争), often of lifelong duration and often unsuccessful.