Discipline, it has been suggested, is the means(方式) of human spiritual evolution. This section will examine what lies in back of discipline-what provides the motive, the energy for discipline. This force I believe to be love. I am very conscious of the fact that in attempting to examine love we will be beginning to toy(玩耍) with mystery. In a very real sense we will be attempting to examine the unexaminable and to know the unknowable. Love is too large, too deep ever(始终) to be truly understood or measured or limited within the framework of words. I would not write this if I did not believe the attempt to have value, but no matter how valuable, I begin with the certain knowledge that the attempt will be in some ways inadequate(不够的).
One result of the mysterious nature of love is that no one has ever, to my knowledge, arrived at a truly satisfactory definition of love. In an effort to explain it, therefore, love has been devided into various categories: eros(性爱), philia(友爱), agape(基督之爱), perfect love(完美的爱), and imperfect love, and so on. I am presuming(推测), however, to give a single definition of love, again with the awareness that it is likely to be in some way or ways inadequate. I define love thus: The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.
At the outset I would like to comment(说明) briefly on this definition before proceeding to a more thorough elaboration(细化).
First, it may be noticed that it is a teleological(目的论的) definition; the behavior is defined in terms of the goal or purpose it seems to serve-in this case, spiritual growth. Scientists tend to hold teleological definitions suspect(怀疑), and perhaps they will this one. I did not arrive at it, however, through a clearly teleological process of thinking. Instead I arrived at it through observation in my clinical practice of psychiatry(which includes self-observation), in which the definition of love is a matter of considerable import. This is because patients are generally very confused as to the nature of love. For instance, a timid(胆小的) young man reported to me: “My mother loved me so much she wouldn’t let me take the school bus to school until my senior(大四) year in high school. Even then I had to beg her to let me go. I guess she was afraid that I would get hurt, so she drove me to and from school every day, which was very hard on her. She really loved me.” In the treatment of this individual’s timidity it was necessary, as it is in many other cases, to teach him that his mother might have been motivated by something other than love, and that what seems to be love is often not love at all. It has been out of such experience that I accumulated a body of examples of what seemed to be acts of love and what seemed not to be love. One of the major distinguishing features between the two seemed to be the conscious or unconscious purpose in the mind of the lover or nonlover.
Second, it may be noticed that, as defined, love is a strangely circular(循环的) process. For the process of extending one’s self is an evolutionary process. When one has successfully extended one’s limits, one has then grown into a larger state of being. Thus the act of loving is an act of self-evolution even when(即使当) the purpose of the act is someone else’s growth. It is through reaching toward evolution that we evolve.
Third, this unitary(统一的) definition of love includes self-love with love for the other. Since I am human and you are human, to love humans means to love myself as well as you. To be dedicated to human spiritual development is to be dedicated to the race of which we are a part, and this therefore means dedication to our own development as well as “theirs.” Indeed, as has been pointed out, we are incapable of loving another unless we love ourselves, just as we are incapable of teaching our children self-discipline unless we ourselves are self-disciplined. It is actually impossible to forsake(抛弃) our own spiritual development in favor of someone eles’s. We cannot forsake self-discipline and at the same time be disciplined in our care for another. We cannot be a source of strength unless we nurture our own strength. As we proceed in our exploration of the nature of love, I believe it will become clear that not only do self-love and love of others go hand in hand(携手前进) but that ultimately they are indistinguishable.
Fourth, the act of extending one’s limits implies(意味着) effort. One extend one’s limits only by exceeding them, and exceeding limits requires effort. When we love someone our love becomes demonstrable(显而易见的) or real only through our exertion(尽力) through the fact that for that someone(or for ourself) we take an extra step or walk an extra mile. Love is not effortless. To the contrary, love is effortful.
Finally, by use of the word “will” I have attempted to transcend the distinction between desire(渴望) and action. Desire is not necessarily translated into action. Will is desire of sufficient intensity(强度) that it is translated into action. The difference between the two is equal to the difference between saying “I would like to go swimming tonight” and “I will go swimming tonight.” Everyone in our culture desires to some extent(程度) to be loving, yet many are not in fact loving. I therefore conclude that the desire to love is not itself love. Love is as love does. Love is an act of will-namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choices. We do not have to love. We choose to love. No matter how much we may think we are loving, if we are in fact not loving, it is because we have chosen not to love and therefore do not love despite our good intentions. On the other hand, whenever we do actually exert(努力) ourselves in the cause of spiritual growth, it is because we have chosen to do so. The choice to love has been made.
As I indicated, patients who come to psychotherapy are invariably found to be more or less confused about the nature of love. This is because in the face of the mystery of love misconceptions about it abound(大量存在). While this book will not remove from love its mystery, I hope it will clarify(澄清) matters sufficiently(充分地) to help do away with(废除) these misconceptions(错误地想法), which cause suffering not only to patients but to all people as they attempt to make sense(讲得通) out of their own experiences. Some of this suffering seems to me unnecessary, since these popular misconceptions could be made less popular through the teaching of a more precise(准确地) definition of love. I have therefore chosen to begin exploring the nature of love by examining what love is not.
自律是人类精神进化地方式。本节会检查自律后面的动机，那就是爱。
爱的定义：为了培养自己或者他人的精神成长，扩展自己的意愿。
通过探索爱的准确定义，并进行充分的澄清，可以减轻错误概念的流行。
探索爱的本质，我们先从探索什么不是爱开始。