I have indicated that the energy for the work of self-discipline derives from love, which is a form of will. It follows(因此), then, not only that self-discipline is usually love, translated into action, but also that any genuine lover behaves with self-discipline and any genuinely loving relationship is a disciplined relationship. If I truly love another, I will obviously order my behavior in such a way as to contribute the utmost(极限) to his or her spiritual growth. A young, intelligent, artistic and “bohemian(波希米亚的)” couple with whom I once attempted to work had a four-year marriage marked by almost daily screaming, dish-throwing and face-clawing quarrels(吵架), along with weekly casual infidelity(不忠行为) and monthly separations. Shortly after we began our work they each correctly perceived that therapy would lead them toward increasing self-discipline, and consequently to a less disorderly relationship. “But you want to take the passion(激情) out of our relationship.” they said. “Your notions of love and marriage leave no room for passion.” Almost immediately thereafter(其后) they quite therapy, and it has been reported to me that three years later, after several bouts(发作) with other therapists, their daily screaming matches and chaotic pattern of their marriage continue unchanged, as well as the unproductivity of their individual lives. There is no doubt that their union is, in a certain sense, a highly colorful one. But it is like the primary colors in the paintings of children, splashed on the paper with abandon, occasionally not without charm, but generally demonstrating the sameness that characterizes the art of young children. In the muted(温和的), controlled hues(色调) of Rembrandt one can find the color, yet infinitely more richness, uniqueness and meaning. Passion is feeling of great depth. The fact that a feeling is uncontrolled is no indication(象征) whatsoever that it is any deeper than a feeling that is disciplined. To the contrary, psychiatrists know well the truth of the old proverbs(箴言) “Shallow brooks(小溪) are noisy” and “Still waters run deep.” We must not assume that someone whose feeling are modulated(调整的) and controlled is not a passionate person.
Which one should not be a slave to one’s feelings, self-discipline does not mean the squashing(压扁) of one’s feelings into nonexistence. I frequently tell my patients that their feelings are their slaves and that the art of self-discipline is like the art of slave-owning. First of all, one’s feelings are the source of one’s energy; they provide the horsepower, or slave power, that makes it possible for us to accomplish the tasks of living. Since they work for us, we should treat them with respect. There are two common mistakes that slave-owners can make which represent opposite and extreme forms of executive leadership. One type of slave-owner does not discipline his slaves, gives them no structure, sets them no limits, provides them with no direction and does not make it clear who is the boss. What happens, of course, is that in due time his slaves stop working and begin moving into the mansion(大厦), raiding(突袭) the liquor cabinet and breaking the furniture, and soon the slave-owner finds that he is the slave of his slaves, living in the same kind of chaos as the aforementioned character-disordered “bohemian” couple.
Yet the opposite style of leadership, which the guilt-ridden(有负罪感的) neurotic so often exerts over his feelings, is equally self-destructive. In this style the slave-owner is so obsessed(受困扰的) with the fear that his slaves(feelings) might get out of control and so determined that they should cause him no trouble that he routinely beats them into submission and punishes them severely at the first sign of any potency(影响力). The result of this style is that in relatively short order the slaves become less and less productive as their will is sapped(棒击) by the harsh treatment they receive. Or else their will turns more and more toward covert rebellion(反抗). If the process is carried out long enough, one night the owner’s prediction finally comes true and the slaves rise up and bum down(烧毁) the mansion, frequently with the owner inside. Such is the genesis(起源) of certain psychoses(精神病) and overwhelming(被压垮的) neuroses. The proper management of one’s feelings clearly lies along a complex(and therefore not simple or easy) balanced middle path, requiring constant judgment and continuing adjustment. Here the owner treats his feeling(slaves) with respect, nurturing them with good food, shelter and medical care, listening and responding to their voices, encouraging them, inquiring as to their health, yet also organizing them, limiting them, deciding clearly between them, redirecting them and teaching them, all the while leaving no doubt as to(关于) who is the boss. This is the path of healthy self-discipline.
Among the feelings that must be so disciplined is the feeling of love. As I have indicated, this is not in itself genuine love but the feeling associated with cathexis. It is to be very much respected and nurtured for the creative energy it brings, but if it is allowed to run rampant(猖獗的), the result will not be genuine love but confusion and unproductivity. Because genuine love involves an extension of oneself, vast amounts of energy are required and, like it or not, the store of our energy is as limited as the hours of our day. We simply cannot love everyone. True, we may have a feeling of love for mankind, and this feeling may also be useful in providing us with enough energy to manifest genuine love for a few specific individuals. But genuine love for a relatively few individuals is all that is within our power. To attempt to exceed the limits of our energy is to offer more than we can deliver, and there is a point of no return beyond which an attempt to love all comers becomes fraudulent(欺诈的) and harmful to the very ones we desire to assist. Consequently if we are fortunate enough to be in a position in which many people ask for our attention, we must choose those among them whom we are actually to love. This choice is not easy; it may be excruciatingly(难以忍受地) painful, as the assumption of godlike power so often is. But it must be made. Many factors need to be considered, primarily the capacity of a prospective(可能发生的) recipient(接受者) of our love to respond to that love with spiritual growth. People differ in this capacity, a fact to which more examination will later be given. It is, however, unquestionable that there are many whose spirits are so locked in behind impenetrable(不能穿透的) armor(盔甲) that even the greatest efforts to nurture the growth of those spirits are doomed(注定的) to almost certain failure. To attempt to love someone who cannot benefit from your love with spiritual growth is to waste your energy, to cast your seed upon arid(干旱的) ground. Genuine love is precious, and those who are capable of genuine love know that their loving must be focused as productively as possible through self-discipline.
The converse(反面说法) of the problem of loving too many people also needs to be examined. It is possible for some people, at least, to love more than one person at the same time, to simultaneously maintain a number of genuinely loving relationships. This itself is a problem for several reasons. One reason is the American or Western myth of romantic love that suggests that certain people are “meant(天作之合) for each other;” thus, by extrapolation(推断), they are not meant for anyone else. The myth, therefore, prescribes exclusivity for loving relationships, most particularly sexual exclusivity. On balance, the myth is probably helpful in contributing to the stability and productivity of human relationships, since the vast majority of human beings are challenged to the limit of their capacities to extend themselves to develop genuinely loving relationships with their spouses and children alone. Indeed, if one can say that one has built genuinely loving relationships with a spouse and children, then one has already succeeded in accomplishing more than most people accomplish in a lifetime. There is frequently something pathetic(令人怜悯的) about the individual who has failed to build his family into a loving unit, yet restlessly(不安地) searches for loving relationships outside the family. The first obligation of a genuinely loving person will always be to his or her marital and parental relationships. Nonetheless, there are some whose capacity to love is great enough for them to build loving relationships successfully within the family and still have energy left for additional relationships. For these the myth of exclusivity is not only patently false, but also represents an unnecessary limitation upon their capacity to give of themselves to others outside their family. It is possible for this limitation to be overcome, but great self-discipline is required in the extension of oneself in order to avoid “spreading oneself too thin(同时做太多的事).” It was to this extraordinarily complex issue(here touched only in passing) that Joseph Fletcher, the Episcopalian theologian and author or The New Morality, was addressing himself when he reportedly(据传闻) said to a friend of mine, “Free love is an idea. Unfortunately, it is an ideal of which very few of us are capable.” What he meant was that very few of us have a capacity for self-discipline great enough to maintain constructive relationships that are genuinely loving both inside and outside the family. Freedom and discipline are indeed handmaidens(女仆); without the discipline of genuine love, freedom is invariably nonloving and destructive.
By this time some readers may feel saturated(饱和的) by the concept of discipline and conclude that I am advocating(提倡) a style of life of Calvinistic(加尔文主义的) dreariness(悲凉). Constant self-discipline! Constant self-examination! Duty! Responsibility! Neopuritanism, they might call it. Call it what you will, genuine love, with all the discipline that it requires, is the only path in this life to substantial joy. Take another path and you may find rare moments of ecstatic joy, but they will be fleeting and progressively more elusive(难以记住的). When I genuinely love I am extending myself, and when I am extending myself I am growing. The more I love, the longer I love, the larger I become. Genuine love is self-replenishing(再装满). The more I nurture the spiritual growth of others, the more my own spiritual growth is nurtured. I am a totally selfish human being. I never do something for somebody else but that I do it for myself. And as I grow through love, so grows my joy, ever more present, ever more constant. Neopuritan(新清教徒) perhaps I am. I am also a joy freak. As John Denver sings:
Love is everywhere, I see it.
You are all that you can be, go on and be it.
Life is perfect, I believe it.
Come and play the game with me.